Resolute

After an exhausting and extensive amount of research (2 min google search), I have learned that the New Years Resolution tradition started with either the Babylonians or the ancient Romans. The Internet is not sure of the exact origin. I promise you, I will find out for sure once I have finished building my time machine. Until then that answer will have to suffice.

I haven’t made any New Years Resolutions in at least 3 years. I was one of those “pffft why should I make resolutions on New Years Eve when everyday is a good day for change.” Well, everyday never came and I never accomplished anything. So, this year I decided I’d give that whole thing another shot. As you can see from my first post I started this resolution early and frankly doing that has pushed me to get to work on the others. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m getting older but, as of late I am on a “It’s Now or Never” kick. I have many things I need to do like getting back in shape, keeping all my blogs going, expanding upon these blogs, pursuing my dreams again, re-involving my self in music and dancing. I don’t mean at a club (or strip club). I am trying to find the most efficient way possible to tackle all of this by combining some of the resolutions into one activity i.e. going to my old studio to take a dance class providing me with some exercise and making YouTube videos which is expanding on my blogs and could be a good outlet for music. Right now I feel motivated, excited and ready to work. Let’s hope this feeling lasts and I can turn these resolutions into good habits.

FIRST!

My goal was to have a blog “go live” as they say, on the first day of the new year. It’s coming down to the wire and I have no idea what to talk about. I keep asking my self “What do people want to read? What will interest them the most? Should I write about me? Should I write about gaming? Should I write about boys and gay stuff?” which brought me to the realization that those very questions are what has stopped me from doing this for all those years.

You know that little voice in your head that tells you what to do but most people don’t usually listen? Since the age of six, I learned to listen to that voice. I listened whole heartedly and without doubt because at that time in my life that was all that I had. I know you’re saying “at six? That’s mighty melodramatic of you.” The truth is that yes I am very melodramatic but that doesn’t mean that it’s not the truth. At the very least it was the truth that I knew then and my dramatic ways can’t help but embrace it. You probably have more questions floating around in that mind space of yours but we’ll leave the details of my childhood for a later post. As my friend Jackie says: That’s a whole ‘nother Oprah, honey. This is probably a good time to warn you that if you are a person who hates people who go off on tangents then you are probably reading the wrong blog. Anyway, the little voice. That little voice has since become a HUGE booming voice that I hear very clearly now thanks to all those years of practice, and today that voice scolded me and said very calmly “Sit Down, STFU and just write.” Most of the time I have to do the tedious job of figuring out the meaning behind the words, but today the message was as clear as the day is today in beautiful Santa Monica. I was holding my self back. My biggest enemy my entire life has always been doubt. Doubt=insecurity=fear. It’s something I constantly work on. People often say “oh, I’m my own worst critic.” If I could somehow multiply that phrase to the 10th power that would be me criticizing my self. There is nothing worse than an insecure perfectionist. You will never get anything done. Believe me. I’m tired though. I’m tired of not doing anything or abandoning things mid way because they are not perfect. Things are never perfect* and the frustrating part is that I know this. I say this to my self all the time yet it is a lesson I am too stubborn to learn. It’s the fear that wins out. Will it be good enough? Will people like it? Will I be good enough? The truth is, the older I get the less fucks I give what people think and this post is just proof of the evolution I’m on, that’s if I end up clicking the “publish” button once I’m done writing it and probably reading it 50 times then editing it 300 more times. I’m gonna try not to even go back and read it. I’ll force my self to click the button the way it is. Do you see how I drive my self insane? lol That is the constant battle in my head, should I? or shouldn’t I? I should? OK, but should I do it like this? or like this maybe? ooohhhh how about like this? That happens until I get irritated with my self and say one of two things “for god’s sake just fucking do it!” or “you know what? fuck this I’ll come back to it later.” Later is a long time. Sometimes later is never.

Today, I’m just doing. I over think everything and it is exhausting. Today is different though. I’m not worried about what subject to write on because I’m just going to write whatever I want. I’m going to write for me and for my amusement. Forget about waiting for the first of the year to “go live”, forget about picking the perfect subject, just pretend like no one will read this (which is probably the truth) and have a conversation…with your self… like a crazy person. I already talked about voices in my head so crazy seems like the right way to go. So today Doubt, I say to thee: Fuck you or thee…whatever.

*Just thought you should know that I totally spaced out for like 15 min because I noticed how pale my hand looks while I was typing.